Today, as I parked my car, paid my dollar into the church parking honesty box and began to walk to work, I began to think to myself: "What is it going to take?"
The past week has been profound in so many ways. My beautiful Godfather passed away and I saw in him sadness, peace and love that I have never before seen in a man. I wept and wept and wept, despite people watching me, despite the fact that his family who were standing next to me, kept it together. I was devastated. At his memorial, I sobbed some more, then it seems as soon as that was over, something let him go to freedom. I was holding on too tightly and he didn't like it.
I took with me two things from this experience.
One was how much this man loved what he did. He was at work till the very last day. he had fought for years to be in his profession and it took him at least twice as long as anybody else to get to where he wanted to be. But he never gave up. And that is the one thing we had in common: persistance. I wanted to be like that, to love what I did to the very last second of my existance. To bask in every single beautiful thing this world had to offer me. I wondered how many times I looked past an opportunity because I was so determined that I had another plan for myself...
The second was his memory. He never lived to the beat of anyone's drum, only his own, and yet he was remembered as the intelligent, hardworking, humorous man that loved many, taught many, and cared much. There were tears every second of his service. This man lived happily, even when the cancer ate him from the inside out. R.I.P Angel....
So what is it going to take to find happiness? what is it going to take for me to finally break free and decide that it is time to do what I want? When will I stop waiting? Quit my Jobs, style my hair, run a marathon, climb a mountain, travel anywhere and everywhere...When will I decide it is time? I am so tired of waiting. Despite the little dictator in my head, urging me to just stay put, because this is comfortable, because being miserable does not make me feel as guilty as being happy, because if i keep self sabotaging, i will always have an excuse to never 'do'.....
I long for freedom. I pine for it.
I saw my 'raw' friend again today. I found another thing that I want to learn from him. His genuine interest in people. He actually really, truly wants to know, he asks many questions and then some and gets a truthful answer everytime, because with him, there are no lies, no mysteries, only clarity and truth....
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