Do I have to crumble for you to see that I am not okay?
I have peeled my nails to the flesh and my makeup can only conceal so much. I loathe myself. I loathe waking up in my body. I loathe the sight of my face. I loathe my life. I want to be asleep for as long as I can. And it all goes against my true nature.

I have managed my pain so well, it is invisible to others. I wish I could see the day that those people look at me with their heart. I wish I could see the day that someone looks into my hollow eyes, my story, look straight into my gaunt worthless empty soul ansd see the darkness, and see the abyss.....and ask if I was ever truly okay...That smile painted on my face will fall apart, the mask will melt, the costume will eat itself and the tears will blast like a hot water faucet down my face and I will cry out all that I have built up over the years.

No more strength, no more battles, no more hiding, The voice will go away..and there will only be Truth...and the truth willl set me free..

Miriam

Today I feel like staring the cold hard facts straight in the face..

Being at the gym today was like the opening scene of a movie. It would start with pitch black darkeness, and the whirring of the hair dryers and the shake shake shake of the protein shakes that have invaded and infected the ladies changeroom (me included). Once I thought of that, I felt like the main character. There I was blow drying my hair, chatting to the girls...my facade has been so perfectly mastered, it was second nature now. I was the unsuspecting victim of the day...I didn't have time to think of what happens next in the movie before it was time to do the real world again.
I've mentioned this before but you probably don't realize the precision of it all. The detail of my rigidity. Not a single move is unplanned. Every single second, my next second is planned. As much as it tires me, and I am constantly bitter about it, I do usually enjoy not having a single spare second in my day.Because every single move is planned the night before, the week before even. I am so rigid- everything is done in the same order everytime.
I walk from the mirror to my locker and think about the most efficient way of packing my things. Sweat towel in the 2nd sack of my backpack, Gym card in the front zipper. Runners in the plastic bag with my work shoes, bottle of water in my hand, jacket on first then backpack then plastic bag, then water then walk out-get to the car-back pack in the boot, everything else infront. Eat my boiled egg, eat my wrap happily knowing that's my only high energy carbohydrate source for the day, then take supplememnt #1 fish oil, supplement #2 primrose oil x2 and supplement #3 magnesium chelate x2-then seat belt on, start the car.....You get the picture, it's disturbing but it's true.

My wonderful friends say I go with the flow- it's because I am exhausted of making decisions.

2011

I was looking through the photos of some friends who are now out in the rural outback on dental placement for 3 weeks. It was a long trip and the album entailed many photos of them snoozing off in the bus. I have to say, all the photos looked amazing.

However, the one of my friend asleep on the bus, with his head against the window was, for some reson, my ultimate favorite. There was so much serenity and peace about it. The sky was blue and in the distance they had passed a stretch of trees that now looked like a mirage. And there he was, asleep in the centre of his photo, a travellor confident he was going to arrive...I loved it!

And instantly, as if awakening my dormant instinct, I had grabbed my sketch pad and began to draw. I wanted to draw something to capture that serenity on paper and as I listened to music and sketched away the image in my mind (which my hands could barely resemble) I couldn't help but realize that I let growing up take so much away from me. When I think back to it, drawing/painting and writing was about all I wanted to do with my time....and reading, and dreaming of all the things I wanted to do. I had the imagination of a two year old for as long as I can remember. Like peter Pan, growing up is exactly what I was hoping to avoid all my life...

Don't get me wrong.. I don't mean responsibilities and trying to make something out of myself. I applaud that, I would never change that. I mean the imagination, that worry-free liberty to explore whatever you liked in your mind, the books that encouraged it, the crazy art that streamed out of a burning fire inside of me, the pen that seemed to possess my hand...The passion..I mean, the fire for life?

I understand that there comes a point where things do get a bit stagnant. For instance, I am working two jobs at the moment, trying to save up for post grad studies at uni (an 8 month thesis) and after that I will be looking at 2 years of masters. All in order to fuel my passion for psychology.. I barely have time to stretch...not forgetting the friends, the boyfriend, food, exercise,studying....so understandably, in order to reach the top and capture the view, I gotta climb the mountain. But I refuse to believe that climbing the mountain means dimming the light.
The greatest test of my rigidity came this morning. I train monday-Friday at 5:30am without fail, I have for 3 years. This year, after my training, I go to job#1 at 8am-4pm then job#2 at 4:30
to 7:30 pm. I get home, organize all of tommorow's meals, clothes and whatever else, spend 30 minutes with my boyfriend over dinner and crash to do it all again the next day.
This monday morning, I turned over at 4 45 am to press snooze when my alarm went off. The winter cold urged me to stay under my duvet and I thought I would give in to it for 'just another 5 minutes'.
Lo and behold, it is 5 30 when I wake up...getting to the gym takes me 25 minutes meaning it will be 6 am before I even start my workout so my whole day is running about 30 minutes late. I was about to go into a stress coma. I paced back and forth, and went back to bed, lying with my eyes wide awake thinking I was about to have a panic attack. I couldn't make a decision about what to do. Monday is lower body training, Tuesday is RPM, Wednsday is Body Attack, Thursday is upper body, Friday is Boxing and Saturday is my 6 to 8 km run. What the hell was I going to do now that my routine has been so inconveniently messed up? By half an hour!
I fought my mind until I jumped out of bed and went for a 6km run, the whole while thinking of how I was going to make up for today's resistance training that I missed. I got home at quarter past 7, had a shower, hair and makeup, left late to get to work but made it in time bacause today-out of all the days-I got the incredibly rare car spot, so work was just a 5 minute stroll rather than a fifteen minute sprint...
Then I still couldn't stop thinking about it even when i told myself to shutup. My head was spinning out of control and my mind was so angry at my 'laziness'...
Then a detailed plan of how I was going to eat this week (involving portioning food before hand and measuring/weighing it..just in case)...Then bitterness, just plain bitterness...at myself, at this beautiful life that I chose...I still cannot fathom why I feel that way???
When did I become so rigid? and so inflexible? even my art (when i do draw or paint these days) reflects this. It just doesn't flow like it used to...
Or maybe it never flowed...maybe I just have higher expectations of myself as I got older...
I don't know...
But what I know for sure is that I am not going to live the rest of my life like this...because I promised myself a beautiful life, and I fought too hard for it to spend it like this...I fought for it, tooth and nail, and grabbed hold of it even when they tried to pry it out of my fingers...so how could I treat it like this now?
The world doesn't owe me anything, but I owe it to myself to make the best of this amazing grace that is staring me in the face everyday, and it doesn't deserve to be wasted...ever...

I cannot believe how time passes. We are halfway through the year already....

Xx