There was nothing more I wanted and nothing more I pined for. I had the most beautiful home.Notice I said 'home'.I have always had a 'house' but I have only recently ever had a 'home'.It was great, personalised with my paintings hung around everywhere, My study room with my first ever easel standing there in all its glory,and a list of qualities I want in a man glued to the wall. I had a bedroom that was all mine, with my art and photos plastered to its wall, my own bathroom that reeked of my favourite shower gel and best of all, I never had to be alone. I had my roommate, my best friend, my sole pride and glory and my idol, Gerard. We watched movies and ate popcorn and went for dinners, lunches and breakfasts. I was pursuing a great university degree, that best embraced my insanity, psychology and going to uni in the morning was my sheer pleasure, one of the reasons being I had the most beautiful people in my life. My best friend sarah, who i relished every moment with and laughed till our sides hurt, then of course, Norman and lisa who never fail to turn up a day without some sort of story. I had a secure, proffesional Job as a dental assistant, which i truly hate but also truly enjoy, and people like Angalina and sarah and Sue that I adored there. I had a gym membership which kept me sane. i had a great love for people, for art, for the world. i was surrounded with positivity and kept myself high on life. i had eliminated every single negative influence in my life, or at least stopped giving a shit. I had decided I was taking my family at face value and as much as I loved them, nothing they said could put me down. i had fucked off religion from my life along time ago and because of that, my love for my creator had only become stronger. I was content with who i am, And i wanted to change nothing about myself. I truly truly truly loved my life with a passion, I said it everyday, even at my worst.
It was pure perfection.
That was my life as I knew it.
I write this today because I realized so much.
On saturday the 6th of june 2009, This perfection came to a brutal finish.
I panicked and flung my hands around in desperation. i didnot know how to react to the challenge I was given, afterall I did pin my happiness on everything around me. the delicate balance of my life was once again upset, except today, i had no one to run to. I had to find the answers within myself.
I realized first, that I had broken a promise I had made to myself years ago. I promised never to pin my happiness on one person.
And that is just what I did. I derived my happiness from the beauty around me, and while that's perfectly legitimate, I forgot to absorb the happiness that I radiate. I was only happy because of what I had and not what I had to offer.I was happy because I was in my comfort zone. I had support, love and stability. Then when I was threatned with loss, so close to my face I could smell it, when all I believed was my 'happiness' was close to gone, I realized it was my creator's way of telling me to remember. To remember that my life was my choice, that it was I who begged him to teach me all of life's lessons, regardless of the pain. He wanted to remind me not to forget that I am good in essence, and That's purely where my happiness should come from. He wanted to remind me of what fear feels like, and wanted to test whether or not I believed in myself, whether I believed I was deserving.
Years of abuse and pain had really shaken me, and I think my creator is asking me to address my issues and then let go, but not let go without addressing them. And not to supress them, which is what I was best at.
My creator was asking me to reasses what I wanted. What my priorities were. And then made me realize that maybe what I wish for isn't really what I want, or what's good for me. He was asking me to reasses the rules I breached, my mistakes and most of all, he was showing me Karma.He was showing me the fine lines I didn't respect. He was showing me that we as humans, will never cease to break and mend. He was showing me that I need to see when it's time to move on from one part of the story, embrace and be grateful for all the good and bad, and go to the next phase,for the better always. He was asking me to recognize when to fight and when to simply let go.He was trying to show me that I can make the same mistake in different ways.When I felt at my strongest, He wanted to show me that really, I was at my weakest. I was most vulnerable and unprepared. He wanted to show me that change was a part of life, That I am independant, and as Sue told me when I was in tears, Circumstances may change, but it doesn't change me,or who I am. And When she said that, i knew I would always be happy. She told me that sometimes, you accept things and walk away because there is nothing else to do.
I have not yet learnt the lesson the creator is trying to teach me and I have not yet come out of this stronger, because This new journey has only just started, but I am learning to love myself and heal myself, and even though recently, I've been either missing the signs or unable to read them, i know I will be alright. I just have to believe.
xx
