My life as I knew it

In the past month, my life had been perfect.

There was nothing more I wanted and nothing more I pined for. I had the most beautiful home.Notice I said 'home'.I have always had a 'house' but I have only recently ever had a 'home'.It was great, personalised with my paintings hung around everywhere, My study room with my first ever easel standing there in all its glory,and a list of qualities I want in a man glued to the wall. I had a bedroom that was all mine, with my art and photos plastered to its wall, my own bathroom that reeked of my favourite shower gel and best of all, I never had to be alone. I had my roommate, my best friend, my sole pride and glory and my idol, Gerard. We watched movies and ate popcorn and went for dinners, lunches and breakfasts. I was pursuing a great university degree, that best embraced my insanity, psychology and going to uni in the morning was my sheer pleasure, one of the reasons being I had the most beautiful people in my life. My best friend sarah, who i relished every moment with and laughed till our sides hurt, then of course, Norman and lisa who never fail to turn up a day without some sort of story. I had a secure, proffesional Job as a dental assistant, which i truly hate but also truly enjoy, and people like Angalina and sarah and Sue that I adored there. I had a gym membership which kept me sane. i had a great love for people, for art, for the world. i was surrounded with positivity and kept myself high on life. i had eliminated every single negative influence in my life, or at least stopped giving a shit. I had decided I was taking my family at face value and as much as I loved them, nothing they said could put me down. i had fucked off religion from my life along time ago and because of that, my love for my creator had only become stronger. I was content with who i am, And i wanted to change nothing about myself. I truly truly truly loved my life with a passion, I said it everyday, even at my worst.

It was pure perfection.

That was my life as I knew it.

I write this today because I realized so much.

On saturday the 6th of june 2009, This perfection came to a brutal finish.

I panicked and flung my hands around in desperation. i didnot know how to react to the challenge I was given, afterall I did pin my happiness on everything around me. the delicate balance of my life was once again upset, except today, i had no one to run to. I had to find the answers within myself.

I realized first, that I had broken a promise I had made to myself years ago. I promised never to pin my happiness on one person.

And that is just what I did. I derived my happiness from the beauty around me, and while that's perfectly legitimate, I forgot to absorb the happiness that I radiate. I was only happy because of what I had and not what I had to offer.I was happy because I was in my comfort zone. I had support, love and stability. Then when I was threatned with loss, so close to my face I could smell it, when all I believed was my 'happiness' was close to gone, I realized it was my creator's way of telling me to remember. To remember that my life was my choice, that it was I who begged him to teach me all of life's lessons, regardless of the pain. He wanted to remind me not to forget that I am good in essence, and That's purely where my happiness should come from. He wanted to remind me of what fear feels like, and wanted to test whether or not I believed in myself, whether I believed I was deserving.

Years of abuse and pain had really shaken me, and I think my creator is asking me to address my issues and then let go, but not let go without addressing them. And not to supress them, which is what I was best at.

My creator was asking me to reasses what I wanted. What my priorities were. And then made me realize that maybe what I wish for isn't really what I want, or what's good for me. He was asking me to reasses the rules I breached, my mistakes and most of all, he was showing me Karma.He was showing me the fine lines I didn't respect. He was showing me that we as humans, will never cease to break and mend. He was showing me that I need to see when it's time to move on from one part of the story, embrace and be grateful for all the good and bad, and go to the next phase,for the better always. He was asking me to recognize when to fight and when to simply let go.He was trying to show me that I can make the same mistake in different ways.When I felt at my strongest, He wanted to show me that really, I was at my weakest. I was most vulnerable and unprepared. He wanted to show me that change was a part of life, That I am independant, and as Sue told me when I was in tears, Circumstances may change, but it doesn't change me,or who I am. And When she said that, i knew I would always be happy. She told me that sometimes, you accept things and walk away because there is nothing else to do.

I have not yet learnt the lesson the creator is trying to teach me and I have not yet come out of this stronger, because This new journey has only just started, but I am learning to love myself and heal myself, and even though recently, I've been either missing the signs or unable to read them, i know I will be alright. I just have to believe.

xx

lessons

I love life lessons.

Even the ones that slap you in the face at the worst times I've often been very grateful for later in my life.

I'm exactly that at this point in my life. I'm grateful. I'm lucky and grateful and proud because I have something that very few people in this world actually know how to use- I identify a lesson when i see one- and I'm aware of the truth.

Do you know how some people will tell you to trust your instinct and you nod in agreement but never actually do anything about it? I promise you, If we all trusted our instincts, we would all be so much happier. If we all belived in Truth we would be so much more achieveing. if we all stopped trying to please others we would live a life so fullfilling and so carefree.

I learnt to invest my time only in the people that deserve it, and the things i've prioritized and i'm passionate about. After being repeatedly told by my roommate/bestfriend Gerard, I finally learnt to practise this. Gut instinct first will tell you whether or not this person will mean much, and to be fair, there are some people that are so deceiving that they can fool the pureness of our instincts. It's okay. Once they've been unveiled, drop them. You will notice that they have only been unnecessary stress. Have acquaintances, like all people and spread joy, but know who would take a bullet for you and who you would take a bullet for, and those are the people you need to be around. good, genuine people will last you a life time. Good genuine people are the people you should love and call friends. they're a small circle that are the family who your not blood related to.

I wasted a lot of time with alot of people that did not deserve an ounce of what I gave. I see this now. So for every wasted minute that helped me learn this, I am grateful, but for every Dumbass I gave an ego boost to because i made them feel worthwhile by spending time with them, I apologize-because You will always be the shit that you are, and I'm sorry for wasting my time where it was not due. This goes back to all my past wasted years, especially highschool and stemming from that, two years worth of wasted time and spilt emotions, None of which I want to take back the lessons I learnt, but kind of wished I spent them doing something more worthwhile..like playing a sport.

I went for an indoor cycling class at fitness first in southport on saturday morning, it was the most invigorating experience. I worked up a sweat and felt great after it. I realized excercise was indeed a stress relief. I learnt, as I spun to the loud music and voice of the instructor, that we must love the body we were given. We must love it, cherish and respect it, look after it and not hurt it. We have the choice. And i promised myself to make the right choices from now on....

Again, I have to refer to my roomamte for this, but last night, after we went on a run along the beach and kicked a football around -(the after effects of which I am now suffering-My limbs are in pure stiffening agony!)- I'm not sure why we started talking about this. But his analogy was "Love is like butter, the more you spread it, the thinner it gets"- those were exactly his words and suddenly it all hit me. Spreading the love meant spreading the joy, the glow, the happiness. But love, is a very delicate word. And if its used wisely, it'll cherish its meaning. If I throw a tantrum everyday, no one will ever take my anger seriously. Similarly is the sincerity of this word.

I thought about the people I do truly love and wondered what it is that makes them different. I realized that when I said I loved them, something inside of me moved. I felt the meaning of this word in my soul. That is when its real. I learnt my lesson. i will never throw that word around ever again, there are many people I care about, and absoloutely adore-but I love very few. And that I'm grateful to have realised. But because i'm so expressive, Its sometimes hard to bite my tongue with this word, but i'll learn to. just like I learnt this.

And because of those lessons, I can very easily say, I love my life. I love my freedom. I love my independance. I love coffee and sunny mornings and barbeques in the park. I love energy and laughter and summer dresses and kind smiles. I love positivity and sincerity and Truth.
I love it all. And i feel it resound itself in me as I type this. That is real love.

Having said that I just want to say I love you Rama, I love you Zoll.
I love you Gerard.
I love You Mom, Dad, sisters and brother.

That word has never felt so right before!
Rama, I hope you know you are the longest standing best friend I've had and I would take a bullet for you anyday and be happy in doing so.
Zoll, The same goes for you. You are the older brother God forgot to give me,I love you and I'd take a bullet for you anyday and be happy in doing so.

Gerard, I hope you know you mean the universe to me. I'd take a bullet for you anyday and be happy doing so.

Mom, I would die in a heartbeat for you,you are my world.
Dad, my sisters and my little brother-I wouldn't have it any other way. i'd take a bullet for you anyday and be happy doing so.

xox