A rainy morning...

I only noticed the rain when I had to walk out the backyard to the clothes line and hang up my washing. As I wringed out the wet, clean clothes that smelled like they have just been soaked in daffodills, I noticed the rain drops blurring my vision as they landed neatly on the lens of my spectacles.

A little disheartened and certainely a little more dispirited than I had initially felt upon arising this morning, i took it unto myself to find beauty in the gloomy weather.

I started out thinking it's bound to clear up and the sun will be hotter than ever so i wore my brightest blue tee shirt and aqua shorts...Bright clothes..positve energy..then I stepped out to my car and the cold winds sent me sprinting into its shelter.

At least I'm safe and warm in the car, and I have my radio to keep me happy, and cold weather does of course mean, more coffee! There, the smile was back on, and my monday morning as I set off to uni had magically looked up.

I ran into my friend as I settled to start work on my assignment, and the first thing she said to me was that she was now in a relationship. Then that triggered the thoughts, how lovely it is when you feel the universe has finally heard your inner plea and partnered you with someone you believe is good for you. And how lucky is it, when you know you have found that one person you want to share your best with, it's not easy, but it's not impossible. It's also true. There is a soul out there for everyone, and it happens the way it should be, beautiful, happy, bright, caring and engulfing in its positivity.Sometimes it lasts, sometimes it doesn't..it's scarier when you lose it and agonizing to get back on your feet but hey, who hasn't been through it?

Her feelings and the butterflies in her stomach only took me back to when I was once capable of feeling that way, when it was easy to be trusting and loyal and when saying 'I love you' wasn't known as the 'L-Bomb'. It's as if telling people you love them is putting yourself in a prison cell, when love really, be it familial, platonic or sexual, is simply purity. A feeling that should have been far from all of today's tainted mistrust, lies and engulfing misunderstandings. It seems like everyone's hurt nowadays, and as she spoke I couldn't help but wonder if she was going to go down that path and would end up hurt too.
I didn't want that for her.
I've been skeptical like that with relationships after the many times I've had my heart crushed, mainly because of my choices and of course, the fact that the other person(s) was clearly undeserving of those choices.

I didn't want that for anybody, because despite that fact that I recently seemed to have immuned myself to the drug, I could relate to that pain. And the pain after it, of lonliness and anger then sadness and longing. The pain of confusion, and that constant pondering throbbing in your head urging your mind to find ways for your heart to trace the pathway back to him. That nauseating feeling you have every time you wake up at some unholy hour of the morning as it hits you that you are not togeter anymore. The even more discusting taste of food turning into saw dust in your mouth, because you cannot function knowing that you don't know what happens next.It's not nice.

But the fact that he was keeping her happy was enlightening . The fact that he put that bright smile on her face was fantastic.And I deeply wished that he would never make her long for him ever because once a promise has been made, I don't believe in breaking it. A certain someone taught me the hard way that forever does not exist. In fact, his promise was forever and a day, and that, I am certain, does not exist. Because he is not here today yet he is the best lesson I have ever learnt. He is no longer anywhere around, yet he is a constant haunting dream because he taught me how to read the lies, simply because he was made of them. But such is life, we live and learn...

I smiled at her and thought back to the good. It seemed like suddenly the 'life' everyone complains about was a bed of roses again. strange, what little thoughts could do to uplift you! mine send me soaring! =)

(= Life is a Four leaf clover =)

Wednesday's thought for the day..

One of the most beautiful, pleasurable things I have only ever had over here is an affegato. Before going on to explain what it is, I must say it's Wednesday. Probably one of my least favorite days of the week, simply because it drags on to burn out and stresses the living daylights out of me and somehow finds a way to absorb my optimism.
A full day, 8:00am to 5:00 at uni, with a two hour break between 12 to 2 and an hours break between 3 to 4 which I always use to do assignments and uni work anyway because following the 8:00 to 5:00 crazy wednesday at uni, i have a two hour shift at work, which seems to push me to my limit, from 5:30 to 7:30. Meaning I get home at around 8:15 because I'm a really slow, frightened driver.

Luckily, my roommate is the most relaxed, most laid back, and possibly the best guy to share with and knowing what I'm coming home to makes me look forward to it. The second I pull up into the driveway, this sense of warmth comes over me as I see the flickering lights of the massive tv screen with some sitcom on it, and I just know that Gerard is going to be on the couch, with a coffee and a bar of chocolate, a handful of cashews or some more take away and that familiarity soothes me.

This is the third or fourth houuse I've moved into since I got to Australia, around May. I don't know if I should attribute that to my lack of good judgement, instability of committment or simply me chasing after my happiness and comfort. Which I seem to always find in the last places I think of looking.
It's true. Where you live must be your sanctuary. If it isn't, it must somehow provide some form of comfort or the consequences are brutal. I vividly remember it affecting my sleep. Disturbed and disorientated and my body was always out of tune with my sprinting mind. Being optimistic was unreachable...or at least I thought it was. Things are different now.

Anyway, back to the midweek crisis, the worrying wednesday and the affegato.
I've handwritten this first, during the second half of my 8:00 to 10:00 'psychology at work' lecture. I had to write this on the spot before the words leave me. Because I had that affegato and that led on to many thoughts, as I cherished every single sip, every mouthful, every tingling tastebud. It led on to me thinking about the great things in life, in my life, even today. It pushed back the major court report I have to write up and submit on Friday before four to the back of my head, and the massive work load that was crushing me and every other committment I was so afraid of dissappointing. I thought of this morning's gorgeous hot sun, that drenched my skin, it's warmth and the browning glow it left on me. I thought of the relaxing songs I heard by chance on my way to uni this morning. the inspiring and uplifting songs I hum to everyday. I thought of my best friend of seven years, Rama, simply because I knew she would have enjoyed today's weather and music, and of course the affegato, as much I did. Because the 'feel-good' factor was a must for me and her in our everyday lives. Because we prided each other on every hard day we got through with a grin and every miserable day we got through alive!
I wish to share so much with her, and it made me happy knowing I associated those good feelings with her happy smile.
She is the reason I created this, It's another way of keeping our neverending closeness intact.
Me and Rama are also coffee lovers. We worship every single individual coffee bean. It's a blessing in life, a pleasure, something we always looked forward to together. I could'nt not think of her as I had my last few sips..

An Affegato is basically two scoops of Icecream drenched in a shot of espresso.

Yes, I know, It's heaven..

x x x